On Being a Single Mom

Today I feel like I need to focus on the intricacies of being a single mom. I am a single mom of 5. Whether your’e a single mom of 4, single mom of 3, single mom of 2, single mom of 1, or single mom of some other number not listed here… I can relate to just about every emotion you’re feeling.

Before I was divorced, my husband and I were separated for 3 years. THREE YEARS! Crazy, right. I kept hoping and praying things would come back together for us. I prayed, I cried, I went to marriage counseling (alone), I did everything I could do. It was all an illusion. When I finally filed for divorce, he drug his feet to make it even more difficult. He wanted me to be miserable. He wanted me to stay in the marriage and be miserable, even though he wanted other women, he expected me to understand that he was who he was, and to deal with it.  Well, I couldn’t live like that. I didn’t want my children growing up in a home where they saw their mother unloved and not valued. I didn’t want my daughter to think that was what she should expect to be treated someday. I didn’t want my little boys to learn to treat women this way either.  So during the year it took us to get divorced, he moved in with his girlfriend and left me to fend for myself with the five children. He didn’t offer any financial support during this time either. He sat back and said, “you wanted this, I told you it would be hard without me”. And you know what? It was hard! But I made it work.

Even now, with limited support from him, I still hold a firm foundation for my children. He sees the children maybe once every few months. It’s up to me to keep things running smoothly in their little lives. So I offer this blog up to all single Moms and Dads out there.

Dear Single Parent….

Oh, I feel your pain… some of it anyway. I know what it feels like to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I know what it feels like to fall into an empty bed after working two jobs. I know what it’s like to sleep alone with no arms to hold you. I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and scramble to get children off to school, and what kind of panic is created when there is a missing shoe!

I know what it’s like to see happy couples together at the park, helping each other keep track of their happy child as they play, all the while you’re doing the best you can to keep up with your children with only your two eyes. I know what it’s like to have to say “no, we can’t get that this month” because there’s no money left after paying the bills. I know what it’s like to not have enough money to even pay the bills. I know the sorrow that comes with knowing your children need new clothes and you just can’t swing it. You feel empty, you feel anxious. You feel like a failure… and it hurts so much because there’s no one around to tell you that you are doing a good job. It’s so easy to feel like you’re screwing everything up.

I know the anger and resentment that comes when a friend tells you they know how you feel. No.. they have no clue. They’ve maybe spent a year as a single parent with just one child. It’s easy for them to feel like they relate, but they are lost in their own happy world now with a new marriage that they still manage to complain about. I know the feeling of accomplishment when you are able to overcome a challenge without someone else’s help. One of the things I championed over the most was the first time I fixed the lawn mower and cut the grass. Since then, I’ve built walls, swapped out dishwashers, taken apart and repaired a washing machine, changed tires, and fixed a garage door. I know the feeling of looking around thinking did you see that?! But there’s no one around to see the task you’ve conquered. And you smile sadly to yourself and go on to the next thing.

I know what it’s like to pickup a prescription for your anxiety for the first time, and the feeling of failure that comes with needing something just to help you calm down. I know how it feels to feel as if things will never get better. I’ve been to open houses alone, school concerts alone, the kids sports games alone. I know the loneliness of sitting all by yourself while couples cheer their children on and discuss how happy they are with the performance. I’ve been there, like you, having to leave work early to pick up a sick child because there’s no one else to call.

I know what it’s like when Friday night rolls around and your friends don’t even call you anymore because they know you’re not available to do anything. You’re a one-man-show now.

BUT…. I also know the tender hugs, love and kisses…. the little voice that says, “I’m glad you’re my Mom!”.

I guess I focused on the painful and difficult aspects of single parenthood. That’s ok though, we need to acknowledge those feelings. Society seems to think that we should pretend difficulties do not exist. We are expected to be strong and resilient, when sometimes what we need is to be able to be vulnerable and not judged for it. To all of you out there…. I know… OH HOW I KNOW!  We will get through all of this and more… I’m sure of it!!